So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
