she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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