got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize