I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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