I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
