Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize