I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
