We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
