i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
