walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
