fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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