At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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