Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
