I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
