I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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