I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
