was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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