this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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