It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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