everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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