Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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