im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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