Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
