A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
