finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
