Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
