happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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