i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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