remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
