I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
