Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
