i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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