my phone needs a breathalizer
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
