My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
