1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
farters have to be the big spoon...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
