Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
