She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
