Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The adults are the big ones right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize