i don't like sucking hair
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
