My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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