I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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