You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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