tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
