my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
