I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize