dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
