He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
