a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
