I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
