either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
