He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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