your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I am one with the molecules
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
