Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
