onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
