I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
