ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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