the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
