Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
