A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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