come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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