sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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